On very bad pain days I will generally mutter the words, “My body hates me today.” Shortly after saying it my thoughts will quickly spiral out of control. I start thinking of all the things I can’t do and all the ways that my body has failed me. So, I started praying recently that God would help me to understand how to love myself when my body hates me. And now I am realizing that loving myself comes from realizing that those moments are refining moments. My body may be falling apart but my heart and soul are being transformed.
Psalm 66:8-10 has become an encouragement to me.
"Bless our God, O peoples;
let the sound of his praise be heard,
who has kept our soul among the living
and has not let our feet slip.
For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance."
I am losing function in so many ways and my body doesn't work how I would like it to. But I am beginning to learn that even while I am losing some things, I am gaining other even greater things. God is refining me and bringing me to a place of abundance.
Now when I am tempted to get angry when my body causes pain, I will work on reminding myself that the pain is allowing even greater things to happen. What may feel like punishment is in fact a blessing in disguise. I would not be where I am today without the pain refining me. So, I am going to work on loving myself and loving where God has me even when my body appears to hate me!