My day started at two in the morning yesterday thanks to my heart fluttering all over the place. I was up so early that I drove Shawn to work before the sun was up. On my way back home the sky looked like a beautiful watercolor painting. I really tried to soak it in as I was so tired and only wanted to complain instead of choosing joy. I set my alarm just in case I fell asleep so I wouldn't miss my doctor appointment. I had a thirty minute power nap and then woke up stressed because I forgot to hand in my log book that went with the twenty-four hour heart monitor (thanks brain fog). I called the cardiologist hoping I could just read off the few things I had written but was told I needed to bring it in. At this point I was close to tears but rushed to get ready so I could bring it in to the cardiologist and still make it to my primary care doctor in time.
During the car ride it suddenly dawned on me that it was the tenth anniversary of my initial RSD/CRPS injury. Tears streamed down my face as I thought of all that had changed in ten years and the things that were the same. And then I got frustrated at myself that I wasn't handling it like last year. But it's a different year with different emotions and that is okay. I pulled myself together and made it to both doctor's offices in time.
Later I was thinking how different my life would have been without RSD/CRPS. I would have graduated from the private school I loved and that my parents worked so hard at. I would have finished college and probably started teaching. After that I don't know what might have happened.
What has happened though? I got to be homeschooled by my mom. I have many fond memories of listening to my literature books in the car on my way to doctor appointments. I moved to Hawaii because the RSD/CRPS pain got so bad every winter. And most importantly I met Shawn and for that I am so grateful. If I had the chance to go back I wouldn't take it. I am thankful for my life the way it is but I will always hope that I continue to get better!
Hello, sweet friend. Sending you endless gentle hugs of understanding, love, and support... Painaversaries can be SO hard! Some years they slide by, but others just sneak up and wallop you upside the soul, right??!! :?
ReplyDeleteI know you'll continue you to fight the nasties with grace, dignity, and a determination that should make Lyme, CRPS, dysautonomis (POTS, etc) shake in their boots! ;) If such germy diseases had feet and boots for them, that is, haha.
Stay beautiful... Let those tears out sometimes so you can smile again. xox <3
Thank you dear friend. So true about it being different each year. You keep fighting too my beautiful friend!
DeleteI am so thankful that we were able to homeschool together. Mostly, I'm thankful for the strength that God provides you to continually choose joy in the midst of incredible pain. Love you!
ReplyDeleteGod allows things to happen to us that suck sometimes. But He is always faithful and ready to guide us through. It sounds like you have been continually seeking Him and as long as you let God guide, you will be where He wants you to be anyway. So jealous you live in the islands by the way. Ohio is freezing! :) and I am homeschooling my kids too! It's a learning experience but I know the hard things will only make me and them stronger in the end. On another note, your art is very Zentangle style! So fun! I love all the patterns and details Zentangle has forced me to slow down and learn. The difference is that your coloring sheets are so beautiful with clean lines. Love it! Be encouraged. The little I have seen of you and your art is awesome! Keep it up girl!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words! Couldn't have made it through the past 10 years without the Lord's help. I feel for you with the cold. Moved here from the East Coast because I couldn't handle the winters anymore. Homeschooling is such a wonderful gift! It's funny because I was inspired to draw like this because of my husband's carvings. Only later did I discover that it looks like Zentangle. It's become a great distraction from pain for me. Thank you so much for your encouragement. It means more than you might think.
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